How to know if you found the right therapist

I first started therapy in the winter of 2021. I was facing some really hard emotions and experiences that I needed some relief from. I come from an immigrant family that is more accustomed to resentment than nipping it in the bud with honest and defensive-free communication.

This really did a number on me in terms of not knowing how or when to take up emotional space and not trusting myself in tolerating ‘bad’ emotions. So, then comes the idea of therapy after reading a tweet that shouted out openpath collective as a resource for affordable therapy with quality therapists. Amazing! This was a barrier of entry for me as I am sure it is for a lot of people

I browsed openpath and chose 2 therapists to pay out of pocket for in seeing who would be a fit for me. I chose the one who said, “that sounds exhausting. You must be so tired and burnt out from all of those responsibilities”. This affirmation made me burst into tears. I needed a therapist to move me out of disassociating from my emotions and move me into having them spill out like a running faucet.

At that point, I was seeing my therapist weekly during some crucial times. Then, I moved and decided to stop therapy, begin it, stop, and begin again. I think people should know that that is a healthy and normal ebb and flow with therapy. Just because you go back after not going for a while does not make you a failure or codependent on your therapist (if you really aren’t). It means you know yourself well enough to know when you need this outlet and when you can manage on your own. Again, therapy is expensive! Making the best decision about what you may need to prioritize in the moment, like saving for a health procedure or new career change, might take over therapy sometimes. Its important to always find alternatives with the constraints you have.

But what makes a therapist the right fit for you? I am not an expert, but this is what I would use as green flags in your counseling experience.

Curious

Your therapist should be a mirror to you, not just a comfy blanket. One of the indicators of positive self-evaluation is being curious with yourself. Your therapist should model that by asking questions about your behavior and unraveling what is important to you as shown through your behaviors.

A therapist that is more of a comfy blanket serves as a listening ear or worse an echo chamber of your emotions. This is opposite of cognitive based therapy as it is supposed to teach you new perspectives and avenues to confront hard scenarios.

Smart

I’ve not seen this discussed, but you should think your therapist is smart. I leave sessions with my therapist feeling challenged when I have been deeeep in an unproductive cycle caused by myself and taking away some good nuggets that I would email them about so I can refer to it in writing.

Thinking your therapist is smart means you appreciate their perspective and hadn’t considered it before. They do have years of training, so it is best you feel that training is definitely practiced in action with you reaping the rewards.

Patient

In the beginning of my counseling experience. I wanted to really prove that I was taking this time seriously. This meant I was over preparing before session, which honestly caused some restless nights and anxiety beforehand and feeling extreme vulnerability hangovers afterwards that left me in an exhausted state the whole day after. I was trying to prove myself to my therapist at the cost of my time outside of therapy! I needed a therapist that was patient with me and accept me for myself rather than incentivize me to do more of the above. I needed to have an experience that showed me I don’t need to over prepare to show up and be useful to someone else, but just be myself and see that that is enough to fill space.

I had been frustrated in the beginning about why my therapist was not giving me explicit homework in the beginning. Now, I am so glad that I don’t have that incentive to be a people pleaser in this capacity. I think a good therapist has range and can meet their clients where they need to be met versus where they want to be met.

Wrap up

This is my most personal article on medium, but it was a topic I had seen missing in the mental health space as the rise of betterhelp and curiosity of of seeking mental health services. The accessibility of mental health services in America is already a struggle, but finding the right fit in what you need from a therapist can be incredibly discouraging and is a shot in the dark. I hope this article is helpful in your search and kudos for searching.